Battle of the Tasman slagging begins

The mudslinging and sledging has begun as Kiwis and Aussie cricketers gear up for the annual Anzac Day cricket match to be played this year at Raemaru Park on Saturday.

Kiwi captain Mike Pynenburg says Aussie captain John Hobbs has sunk to the typical Australian low by claiming, after an audacious advertising campaign, half of the Kiwi previous side and calling them Australians.

“Phar Lap, Russell Crowe and Pavlova anyone?” exclaims Pynenburg.

“We also understand, that in a bid of absolute desperation, they will be at the airport this Saturday morning to greet the incoming Sydney to Rarotonga flight and holding up placards saying ‘Do you want to play cricket this afternoon’.”

He adds that despite the word ‘concession’ whispered several times by the scruffy bearded Aussie captain, the Kiwis have agreed to play the ‘international’ Australian side this Saturday at 1pm at Raemaru Park.

“This may well be the last and deciding Anzac cricket tournament as it would appear that (thankfully) the number of Australians on the island will be significantly reduced over the coming years so let’s make this a fantastic send-off for them.

A confident Aussie captain, Hobbs says the battle of the Tasman clash will have a different look.

He says last year the Aussies somehow cobbled together a rather ordinary bunch of men, women and children from the limited Aussies on the island to take on the best the Kiwis could offer.

“Even with half the Cook Islands national squad in their side, we still managed to win and wondered how we could possibly give them half a chance in 2012.”

Hobbs says that supposedly there was some sort of controversy last year, but only a Kiwi could really believe you would run a second when you only needed one to win.

“Hopefully our Kiwi friends take this sporting gesture in the nature it is intended. The last time we tried to be nice was when Greg Chappell told his little brother to stop bowling so fast and toss a nice gentle underarm to give the little Black Caps tailender the chance to hit one.

“Surprisingly no thanks were forthcoming and all hell broke loose as we were treated to a petulant display of bat throwing and name calling that has hardly abated to this day.

“So being typically fair, and the fact that Andy Olah and I were the only two Aussies left from the 2011 team, we decided to cast the net a bit further,” explains Hobbs.

“Well, when word got out of the offer of being an Australian for a day, there was no shortage of our Kiwi friends happy enough to pop the NZ passport back in the cornflakes box and jump on board. A rigorous selection process left a trail of unsuccessful and shattered Kiwis wailing like teenage girls outside a Justin Bieber concert, which was understandable given their only option left now was to play for New Zealand.

The game of Saturday also seconds as a fundraiser for the national women’s cricket team and all are welcome to head to Raemaru Park and cheer on your favourite Kiwi or Aussie.