How do we stop family violence? How do we heal multi-generational abuse?

It’s a topic often swept under the carpet. Not a comfortable thing to talk about. It’s so personal and surrounded by an aura of shame. But only when we bring it out into the light do we have any chance of healing it. I will venture to say that every one of us, except for a blessed few, received abuse somewhere along the violence continuum, from verbal to physical to spiritual. A quote at the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. says, “Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.” Haven’t we been all three? Hurt people hurt people. If the ones who raised us did it to us, it becomes normalised, and we come to believe that unless we take a firm hand with our children, they will be spoiled.

True! Firmness is essential, but there are far more effective ways to correct and guide a child than name calling and physical punishment. If the ones raising a child constantly give them a hiding, it becomes meaningless – to be avoided at all costs, often leading them to lie for fear of a beating. It is easy to lash out in anger. When we were on the receiving end of violence as children, we felt helpless. Now our children can evoke that sense of helplessness when they don’t obey us. So the cycle continues. What we really want is for the child to grow the virtue needed in the teachable moment, to use our authority only in service of the child’s learning. That will break the cycle and bond us with our children in new ways.

There is also the unspeakable issue of spouse abuse. A mama in her 90’s recently told me that when she became a widow, her friends kept urging her to find “a boyfriend.” She said, “It wasn’t worth it to me. I didn’t ever want to get hit again.”

In Fiji during a virtues workshop, a woman in a national post on family life confessed that she had a terrible time with her teenage son, who refused to go to school. There was constant yelling, beating, to no avail. On day two of the workshop, she came in and told me she had to speak first. She stepped up to the mike, tears streaming down her face, and said, “Last night I went home and apologised to my family. I realised that ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’ was not what I thought. The rod is my authority as a mother, to be based on respect and love, like ‘Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me,’ like Linda quoted from the 23^rd Psalm yesterday. My son said, ‘No no, mum, it’s my fault. I’ve been so disobedient to you.’ My husband said, ‘It’s time for us to be a virtues family.’ We all cried and hugged each other.” By this time the rest of us were all in tears. She added, “This morning, for the first time, my son walked me to the gate and said, ‘See you later Mom. I’m off to school. I want to hear all about your workshop when you come home.’”

This Tuesday, November 28, an evening workshop is being held on “Stopping Domestic Violence: from Understanding to Hope” at Ngapuariki Hall, Aitutaki at 5pm led by Daryl Gregory with myself and Dr. Dan Popov. Daryl says, “The power of domestic violence is silence. We all need to speak out and stand up for the voices of those who have been silenced.”