A friend of mine just flew overseas for Christmas. Before she even stepped on the plane, the family dynamics of mama drama were already flaring up amongst her adult children. Who got to pick her up at the airport? Who had the privilege to have her stay first? Longest?

In a way it feels good to be fought over. Everybody wants you. But as the arguments escalate, tension, anger and pettiness cast a shadow over what is meant to be the most joyous time of the year. My friend said sadly, “Someone always feels hurt and left out.” These aren’t just holidays filled with presents and feasts. They are holy days – a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Amid family battles, it is easy to forget the peace and good will message of the season and how special it is when a family comes together.

My friend was already getting anxious about how to please her children. She was already feeling torn apart by their competitive tug of war. “What do you want?” I asked her. “For us to love each other and enjoy each other.” “Then, tell them,” I said.

For love to flourish in a situation of conflict, assertiveness is called for. There can be no peace without justice, in the world and in our families. We talked about how the five strategies of The Virtues Project could create an immediate shift in the situation if she could find the courage to act on them.

1. Speaking the language of virtues: by calling her family to the virtues we all need at family gatherings – unity, joy, and love. “All I want for Christmas,” she decided to tell them, “is unity – to enjoy and love each other. No one should feel left out in this family.”
2. Recognising teachable moments: For her, it’s time to step up with courage and assertiveness to state her wishes instead of trying to figure out how to please them all. To stop allowing her children to use her as a trophy, and instead commit to a change that would make her happy.
3. Setting clear boundaries based on justice: I suggested to her that her taking a clear stand about everyone being included in gatherings and decisive about how long she would stay with each of her children would take the pressure off them to keep the power struggle going. She could tell them, “If you don’t feel it, fake it ‘til you make it! Do it for me.”
4. Honouring the spirit: Giving up the love of power for the power of love is a way this family can honour the true spirit of the season. What better way to show reverence and gratitude for the amazing gift of the Christ child than by kindling a spirit of love for family. Christmas is no time to wage war.
5. Offer spiritual companioning: Listening to each other with patience, understanding and compassionate curiosity could change everything. Just the simple decision to be kind to each other and to have fun together will make a world of difference.

As my friend said, with a big smile, “Love is the answer.”