What is the key to a happy life? As we all know, “happy wife, happy life,” or “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. That being said, the question is what makes for a happy couple? writes Linda Kavelin-Popov.

Especially if they are both committed long term and don’t just see the relationship as something to exchange when it gets too hard, like a gift on boxing day. There is nothing richer and more meaningful than a marriage in which each has the staying power, the endurance to go through the soul refining tests love requires.

Marriage can be a source of much needed wellbeing, or it can drive us crazy. Dysfunctions such as violence, more common than we know both in verbal and physical abuse, can be soul destroying and is often connected to alcohol or other addictions such as online gaming.

How is a couple to sustain the love that brought them together in the first place so that they reap the rewards of a long-lasting, faithful, supportive and loving connection? Whether aware of it or not, they are the architects and builders of their relationship.

Attraction is lovely, but it only draws them to the building site. The work love calls them to do is to construct a foundation strong enough to sustain the winds of inevitable tests and changes.

The truth is we all have superpowers to help us. As the relationship enters season after season over the years, the couple can always call on their virtues to solve anything. I think of marriage as God’s laboratory, in which our souls are honed and given the opportunity to improve continually. I asked a woman who had been in a long, happy marriage, “What’s your secret?”. “I never tell him how to drive,” she said.

1 Corinthians says, “Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful…” and it goes on. Wow! What profound life lessons in those few words.

Just take the first two virtues as keys to happiness. Do you always treat your spouse patiently? Do you accept their “suchness” or try to change them and tell them how to drive? Are you their critic or their champion? Secondly, do you speak, act, and touch kindly? Are you fully present or is your attention focused on a screen?

I think most of us need fighting lessons, even before the foundation is built, so we don’t build our house on the sand of infatuation. Here are some tips on healthy fighting:

1. If you find yourself bickering, identify the actual issue. Share how you feel, using I messages.
2. Avoid the “troubled Cs” of Competition – the need to be right blame game, Control, which is always resisted, and Criticism, which destroys the motivation to try.  Never say “You never…”
3. Listen more than you speak. Seek first to understand, then to be understood, as Stephen Covey says. Repeat your understanding of the other’s perspective. “So, you feel that…” “Here’s how I see it.” “What can we do differently?”
4. Seek a solution and come to an agreement. Unity matters much more than being right. End by appreciating a virtue in each other. “I appreciate your honesty.” Try a little tenderness.

Good fights clear the air. Being together, actually present, doing something you enjoy, will breathe new life into your relationship. Your virtues superpowers build lasting love.