If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was. The narcissist version is if it comes back, it is yours, if it doesn’t then go out and hunt it down because if you can’t have it then no one else can either, writes Ruta Mave.

The mama dogs are still here. I let them free run during the day and they remain at my compound. They chase me down the road when I leave in the car and once or twice have run past the mama shack where they were tied up. She would call out to them and they would by habit or loyalty, one never really knows, they would go to her and she would tie them to the tree in the mud. 

The first time it happened despite all the traumas I could not believe they would go back to the place where they were miserable. I took it personally that after all the effort I had gone to changing my carport into a dog shelter protecting them from rain and storms with food and water, they would go back.

I went to see the mama, she is a caring soul but struggles to handle two large dogs. I offered to take them for a walk. They were grateful, and as soon as they were free, they ran off towards my place.

I felt self-satisfied that I had rescued the dogs and championed a charitable charge in the name of good intentions.

Then it happened again. I returned home to only one of the mama dogs. I was angry, why would they go back after all I have done and gone through for them, why? Clearly, I am not unconditional in my care, perhaps I want them to acknowledge that I am the better choice for their lives, maybe I do gain a sense of validation and self-worth by persisting with their care? 

Regardless, I took a huffy attitude and thought well if that is what you want then that is up to you, your choice dog, so live with it. When it rained, I smugly thought about the dog tied to the tree, taunting so how do you like that now? I bet you miss being under shelter with nice food, don’t you?

This was fast followed by guilt and remorse and worry that the dog is suffering, but then I argued with myself that I can’t keep them, I can only offer my help and they have to live with the choices of their lives as we all do.

I didn’t rescue. I let the decision be theirs and I promised I would be open arms if the dog came back and not scold or lecture them on what is good or best for them. It wasn’t long before the dog escaped and came bounding back.

The third time, I shrugged my shoulders and was resigned that this will be the course of events – they will come and go. I went for a walk and the dog saw me. It stood staring like maybe I would be angry or not welcoming to them for leaving. Then it started to walk towards me and then bolted into a full run tail wagging, grinning as it tried to jump into my arms.

It made me realise that when you rescue something or someone you have to set them free, they have to make their own choices and sometimes they go back and forwards, not knowing where their identity lies, their loyalty or their safety.

It is not easy to break the cycle of neglect or abuse. It is not easy to walk away from a relationship where he is cheating on you and you are still emotionally invested to make the marriage work for the sake of the children. 

Even when there is physical or mental emotional abuse, you can escape and get healing and see another pathway, but the draw back it can be difficult to break. If they are a narcissist gas lighting and making you feel unworthy than you really are, makes it even harder to leave.

Not even logic can severe the bondage that returns you to abusive relationships. What is needed by those who care is to allow the process to ebb and flow without judgment, however, there has to be boundaries to your offer of care, otherwise you will become part of the problem. You can only help those who want to help themselves.

It takes courage to walk away from an abusive relationship, it takes strength to tell them to leave and it takes unconditional love to offer and give help to others then see them choose the beaten path again, instead of the one less travelled.