Dear Editor, I was appalled and disgusted by the op-ed by Ruta Mave that shamed and held women in-part accountable for the ongoing domestic violence against them. The views expressed were harsh and totally naive to the realities of domestic violence.

It is never as simple as merely leaving an abusive partner, especially in a small community. Women are also most at risk when trying to leave, and are often caught in coercive control situations where children, money or security are used to blackmail and hold women hostage in abusive situations. If a woman stays silent, it is usually because her or her children are in danger. Similarly for any parties who are aware of an abusive situation, they may also be in danger or under duress to stay quiet.

Stopping domestic violence must be led by men! Teach your sons to manage their emotions and not harm or rape women. Men, confront your friends if they disclose bad behaviour or make demeaning comments about women.

Women who escape abuse or expose abusers of course are to be respected and applauded, but to victim-blame women in such an overt and callous way is completely unhelpful and can only be harmful to those who are already vulnerable.

The solution must come from those in power and not from victims.

Sincerely

A deeply disappointed reader

(Name and address supplied)

Ruta Mave replies – Disappointed reader, I fully agree with you, it is not simple to leave or speak I know this. I am acutely aware of such things that hold them in the cycle. I am not naive nor have I been immune to what I am asking of women. But I am also trying to punch into the psyche of women within and on the fringe of the circle who will believe, support and defend the man against the woman or child. Far too many families fully support the abuser and refuse to listen or protect the female child. That is who I want to step up and speak up.

Yes, you are right, it needs to come from the men but apart from wearing a white ribbon one day a year, it is not happening.

I apologise to those who are triggered in their situation but I deliberately want to trigger those who can make a difference by being role models and cycle breakers. The solution must come from those in power but it is their wives who need to ‘lioness’ up and push them to do so.

Anger creates action, keep driving towards making the men in your life and around you and yours to make a stand, it starts with us.

RTM