‘It Starts with Me’ is the theme of this year’s White Ribbon Campaign, promoting healthy, non-violent relationships. Te Punanga Ora'anga Matutu (Te POM), a men’s support and well-being centre, is supporting the 16 days of activism for the White Ribbon campaign, writes Te POM’s Rowena Manning.

At Te POM our vision is for everyone in our community to feel safe, valued, respected and happy in their relationships. We work with people to develop these life skills.

A healthy relationship starts with you, and trust. Before you can trust another person, you must be able to trust yourself, your judgement, values, and your intuition. You need to love and respect yourself before you can give those things to a partner. Know yourself before you can truly know someone else. 

If you want a good partner by your side, make sure you are a good partner, then you can enjoy growing together as a couple, building a life to work together to fulfil each other.

If you are in or just settling into a relationship, remember it’s not just about being in love and sex or two people co-existing under one roof. It’s about two individuals sharing life, growing together, and supporting each other’s ambitions, dreams, and goals. Love and sex alone, don’t make a relationship strong; being faithful and loyal, honest, and trustworthy, caring and having mutual respect do. Being faithful and loyal means honouring the one person you are with. Meaning both partners will be working the relationship together. You cannot work on your relationship on your own.

There is a deep emotional core to every healthy relationship. A deep connection and attachment, that goes beyond the superficial. In a healthy relationship each partner needs to meet most of the others emotional needs and respect each other’s differences and boundaries. A partner cannot meet all the other partners emotional needs, individual friendships, family, peers, workmates, and connection with others are essential for any person’s happiness.

Boundaries are invisible psychological lines that keep you safe, protect your peace, your values, and your sense of identity, who you are as a person. Boundaries need to be flexible to accommodate some things, they can shift and change in any given situation, but should not be totally compromised. In a healthy relationship partners set limits on what is okay behaviour and what is not okay behaviour. This incorporates morals and personal beliefs.

Having the courage to communicate honesty and with transparency is essential for a healthy relationship. Listening to understand, not listening to respond, justify or defend. There is no room for violence, put downs, shouting, and yelling in a healthy relationship, as this behaviour is experienced as abusive, manipulative or a control tactic. These traits are toxic to your relationship.

When communication flows freely it builds trust between you, a better understanding of each other and a deeper emotional bond. You do not have to fully agree with everything your partner does, thinks, or says but you do have to meet them halfway. In a healthy relationship, respect for difference is upheld, even admired.

Every relationship is a two-way street, men and women are equal, with plenty of gratitude and appreciation of each other. If you feel unseen and unappreciated for what you bring to the relationship, then you will feel undervalued. Over time this will erode your self-esteem, your happiness, and your relationship.

Mutual respect and acknowledgement are important because without it you must wonder if you are being taken for granted. Do not settle for less than someone who sees you for who you are, someone that values you. You deserve to be cherished and honoured, not an afterthought or taken for granted.

Trust is built by congruence, care, kindness, and loyalty. Doing what you say you will do, meeting your partner’s needs. Equality is decision making together, not blind obedience, but it is communicated freely by negotiation. Do not assume your partner buys into outdated beliefs about gendered sex role stereotypes. Both partners have individual likes, talents, and skills and how your relationship is going to work is negotiated, not assumed. Leverage individual strengths.

Everyone has different needs, and in a partnership, you need to clearly communicate what makes you uncomfortable, what you are willing and not willing to do for the relationship. This includes the household chores, cooking, finances, making decisions, and the division of labour. If you are constantly drained, abused, put down, used, or feeling neglected then your relationship needs some work, or you need to re-evaluate being in it. If you do not address the issues you are experiencing, the relationship will hurt or damage you. Addressing conflict or disagreement as soon as it arises avoids a build-up of tension and stress.

Uphold the values of trust, loyalty and respect – if you mess with one of these values then you risk losing all three. A good partner supports individual and common goals and aspirations. This creates a sense of unity and purpose, making your partnership fulfilling. Always have something that you look forward to.

And if you need some help creating the relationship you want, contact our counsellor.  Phone 51622. We are here to help. Please join us on Facebook – Te Punanga Ora'anga Matutu (Te POM).