The 16 Days of Activism against gender-based violence began last week. Te Punanga Oraanga Matutu’s Rowena Manning reflects on the campaign and White Ribbon Day, and the underlying causes of violence in our society, writes - Rowena Manning.

White Ribbon is the international symbol of men’s commitment to ending violence against women. Violence whether it be domestic, criminal, or otherwise is a complex societal issue requiring community awareness and action.

In Cook Islands there are currently 11 agencies in the working towards promoting human rights and peaceful, healthy, non-violent relationships with an awareness campaign of 16 Days of Activism. The awareness campaign is called “It Starts with Me”.

My partner and I work for Te Punanga Ora’anga Matutu (Te Pom), a community counselling and well-being centre for men, however we are inclusive of women and families. Both having about 25 years’ experience working in the field, I have done some reflecting on this dark topic.

Te Punanga Ora’anga Matutu, counselling and well-being centre assists men, women, couples, and whanau struggling with emotional and behavioural issues. We work with men who perpetrate domestic violence and want to create change in themselves and their relationships. We are often asked about causes, and how to create lasting behavioural change of their abusive behaviour, so they can become safe men to be in a relationship with.

Violence reduces the mana and integrity of both the victim and the perpetrator, leaving both parties feeling hurt and shamed. In our modern society we are aware that behaving violently and abusively is unacceptable and against common law and human rights. Family relationships after all are meant to be positive, uplifting and loving.

The causes of domestic violence are complex and different for each person.

Some say it is a misuse of personal power and wanting control of another person, in a relationship. Others say it is because of 2000 years of living in a patriarchal society where men believe might is right and they are superior beings to women and children.

Violence is perpetrated by people who are self-centred, lack empathy for others, use power and control tactics and disregard their victim’s well-being, opinions, and feelings. They do not listen and disrespect their partners when they say “No”. They may be driven to get their own way, win at all costs, and when they cannot they try to punish or annihilate another person, taking no personal responsibility for their behaviour and having little interest or ability to be accountable for their own behaviour and the damage they have done to a so called loved one. After all, blaming a partner is an easy cop out and deflects any fault away from them. Underlying, unexamined fear is always present when people are violent, for the perpetrator and it is an emotion that is created in the victim.

There are plenty of myths and uninformed opinions about why someone uses violence. These myths are often used as an excuse or to minimise the damage done to the victims and justify the abusive behaviour. Violence is always a choice. You lose control to gain control, through fear.

Three common myths are alcohol, entitlement/victim blaming and poverty or financial stress.

Alcohol does not cause violence, plenty of people drink a lot of alcohol and do not get angry or violent. Getting drunk is an excuse to be violent or abusive. Many people in our community are suffering financial stress yet they do not get violent. Saying she made me do it is blaming. Not getting one’s own way because of feelings of specialness or superiority is a sign of emotional immaturity that demonstrates a lack of respect for the dignity of others. Using blame and manipulation shows lack of care, and self-responsibility.

The ability to be violent is a human condition, useful at times for protection and survival, both genders are well able to use violence. Sadly, most family violence is done by men and women who abuse children and men who abuse their partners. The common thread here is emotional immaturity, not knowing any other way to soothe their anger or to get their needs met. The emotionally immature person is self-consumed, demands attention, and creates unnecessary drama if things do not go their own way.

If someone is emotionally immature it is likely they have not learned how to be aware of themselves and others. They do not listen and dismiss the hurt and pain they are responsible for causing. Over their life span they have not learned to observe or regulate their emotions and are overwhelmed by them, losing the capacity to think clearly. Some may have experienced parental neglect and not grown emotionally from the age where they were traumatised or neglected. Others may have been raised by emotionally immature parents who do not know anything better than to yell, scream or hit out as they have had poor role models. People who lack emotional maturity act on impulses fuelled by negative emotions like guilty, shame, embarrassment, hurt, or anger.

If you are in a relationship with an emotionally immature person who uses power and control, you may struggle with feelings of frustration, unworthiness, and inadequacy. You may fear doing or saying anything that will trigger the other person. You are silent or shut down in case your partner has an adult temper tantrum. You feel unsafe in that person’s company, usually in the isolation of your home where the abuser has no audience to their violence.

Positivity, peace, and calmness brings a greater personal sense of happiness, but it is an inside job. It does start with you. No one else can do it for you. All the skills you need to live a violence free lifestyle are all learnable.

At Te Punanga Ora’anga Matutu we offer free services like domestic violence counselling, psycho-educational training programmes, an anger management and well-being group for women from skilled, experienced and qualified counsellors.

You can learn how to have peaceful, happy, and fulfilling relationships. All these things are already within reach. You can learn to be emotionally mature in all your relationships using clear communication, emotional regulation skills, setting personal boundaries, having compassion, empathy and respect for yourself and others, mana enhancing integrity and taking responsibility for your behaviours.

Please show us your support to keep our community a safe place for everyone during the 16 days of White Ribbon events. Please reflect on “It Starts with Me”. How are you doing ... really?

• Rowena Manning is a Graduate Diploma in Psychology, Member of the New Zealand Association of Counsellors and registered psychotherapist with Psychotherapists Board of Aotearoa New Zealand.