Here in Paradise, we have an abundance of Tall Poppy Syndrome. This happens when someone has a reputation for being responsible, knowledgeable, and helpful and ends up overextended, writes Linda Kavelin-Popov.

They often have an E type personality – “being everything to everyone”. They can always be relied on for help, do a great job, and never say no when asked. They are leaders in the church and the community, living precariously on the edge of exhaustion. Not only that, but because they stand out, they are vulnerable to criticism. “Who does she think she is?” “He’s too big for his britches.”

When someone is responsible, reliable, and generous with their time, it’s unjust to criticise them for their success and popularity. I was visiting the camp of a friend in Northern Canada who had recently been elected chief of his tribe. I asked “What’s it like being chief?” He laughed and said, “Well, there’s a target on my back and arrows sticking out of it. That’s how I know my people are behind me.”

I’ve seen this syndrome in many small nations and towns around the world. What is most concerning is not the criticism itself but that despite it, these remarkable natural leaders feel guilty if they say no. “There’s no one else who can do it,” I’ve heard them say. They take on more and more until they get to the edge of burnout. Here in Paradise, multi-tasking is common – as church deacons or Bible class teachers, while working as teachers, merchants, farmers or lawyers, looking after children and elderly parents, and sewing outfits for ceremonies. How do they do it? It can be richly satisfying to have a strong sense of purpose, knowing you are needed by others. Yet, at times, the cost is too great to sustain one’s health and wellbeing.

Over twenty years ago, my husband and I were invited to come to the Cook Islands as founders of The Virtues Project. One morning, I met with the cabinet ministers. I asked, “How are you, really?” One woman fighting tears said, “I’m so busy I never feel I’m doing enough.” I asked her to list her responsibilities. The list was impossible to accomplish. She was stretched thin with three ministries in her portfolio. I drew several concentric circles on the board. The inner circle was self and God, followed by family, then work, then friends, then community. She said, “I have it all backwards. I’m constantly putting out fires in the community, and I hardly have time for personal prayer or time with my children. I pray in the car on the way to work. I know I’ll get sick if something doesn’t change.” Ironically, she was the Minister of Health! We spent the rest of that day sharing the stresses of their jobs and how virtues strategies could help them move to a state of “too blessed to be stressed.”

Purposefulness and service are wonderful. They give meaning to our lives. Yet we also need the balancing virtues of moderation and humility. We must accept the reality that we simply can’t be everything to everyone. We need to be wise and discerning in choosing our “yeses” and set reasonable boundaries around our time. Sustaining our own wellbeing is the only way to honour the gifts with which we have been blessed. Instead of running on empty, boundaries allow us to give from an overflowing cup. “Let your moderation be known unto all.” (Philippians 4:5)