Many individuals have passed on in the last several weeks on Aitutaki. A pattern is emerging among the family members I’m visiting after their loss, writes Linda Kavelin-Popov.

People keep saying “I can’t talk to anyone else about this.” “No one asks ‘How are you doing?” “People keep saying ‘Just move on now.’ and I feel judged.” “When people quote scriptures as if I’ve lost my faith just because I’m grieving, I feel guilty.” I overheard someone at a café say, “I didn’t dare ask about her loss. I was afraid she’d cry.”  

It’s a rare gift when someone has the confidence to be a compassionate and mostly silent witness to our tears or has the patience and presence to listen to our story. Have you ever felt your grief bottled up, as if there is a rising pressure inside you? What did you need? Most of us need someone to listen with compassionate curiosity, to simply be present to whatever we are feeling. We need their receptive silence while we talk and talk some more and then ideally to hear a virtues acknowledgment: “You really love her.” Or “Bless your endurance and strength to go through this.”

The quality of our attention is directly proportionate to the degree of our concentration. This fully concentrated, non-judgmental listening is one of the Five Strategies of The Virtues Project™. It’s called Offer Spiritual Companioning.

A young mum in a First Nations community was mandated to attend a virtues workshop in Northern Canada. She had been abusing her children because she didn’t know another way. The day after I introduced the virtues strategy of Spiritual Companioning, she walked into the workshop glowing with a brilliant smile. She shared with the group, “Last night I did that thing we learned. I can’t remember those fancy words (spiritual companioning) but I call it ‘walk along’” What a clever way to describe it! After she picked up her 3- and 5-year-olds from daycare, she took them home, and instead of locking them in a closet, which was the only way she knew to make dinner without them pestering her, she followed my suggestion to grab some snacks and sit on the floor with them. She asked them about their day. She listened and then gave them a virtues acknowledgment. “You really felt joy playing with the trucks, didn’t you. You’re a joyful boy.” And “Honey, you are so creative with your colouring. Purple cows are cool!” to her daughter. “Then, my daughter asked me about my day,” she said, “and I told her about the workshop.” She gave her children the attention they craved after being separated from her all day. They were then content to give her some space.

About twenty years later, I saw her serving at a café in the Yukon. She said, “Linda, you should see our Family Virtues Guide! It’s in tatters because we still use it often! My kids are great! I’m so proud of them.”

Companioning is a walk along beside someone whatever they are feeling. If someone says, “I had the best holiday ever!” don’t say, “That’s nice.” Use the magic word, “what” and ask, “What made it the best?” If someone starts crying, they may not need a hug but only to be heard. Ask, “What are those tears?” Whatever we are feeling, we need a companion who doesn’t pull us past our grief, or push us to get over it, but walks beside us, present to us in this moment.

Quaker author, Douglas Steere speaks of holy listening: “To listen” another’s soul into a condition of disclosure and self-discovery, may be almost the greatest service that any human being ever performs for another.” Your focused, loving attention is a gift beyond measure.