The way we see others has a deep impact on them and also on us., writes Linda Kavelin-Popov.

Whether we see them through a lens of criticism or prejudice, giving them a label and thereby “putting them in their place” or through a lens of virtues, where we see them as whole and full of potential, is a choice we need to make consciously.

I recently heard a story from a parent who is learning to see her children through a lens of virtues, giving up labeling them and instead recognising their virtues when they show them, calling them to a virtue when they need it. Her eight-year-old son fell ill with flu. He tended to be whiney and tearful when ill, and made a huge fuss when taking medicine. Her habit was to label him and say, “Don’t be such a crybaby.” This time, she paused and reminded herself to avoid labeling him and instead to call him to a virtue. She also avoided arguing, which never gets us anywhere with children, “But you’ll get well if you take it. If you don’t, you’ll get sicker.” Logical, but absolutely useless. Instead, she said, “Son, you will take the medicine because you’re brave and courageous!” He said, while crying, “I’m brave, I’m brave, I’m brave!”, opened his mouth and took the meds.

This was not only a success in terms of getting the meds down him, but at the same time uplifted his self-esteem and turning the situation into a teachable moment. His sense of his own power to call on a virtue to help him when stressed is a spiritual lesson that will serve him the rest of his life. His mother also had a teachable moment, calling on her self-discipline to avoid labels, and her courage to see him through a lens of virtues and speak to him in virtues language. 

The world today is full of divisiveness, wars, and prejudice. Even in Paradise, feuds keep people apart. Yet if we are to be peacemakers as Jesus called us to be, making us true children of a loving God, we need to release ourselves from prejudice and hate. A good definition of prejudice is “the failure to individualise.” When we see a person as “other”, using labels, we create a barrier to knowing people as whole and valuable. It is especially challenging to view others who have seemingly opposite viewpoints from our own. How do we cross the divide?

During Covid, the question of being vaccinated or not was enough to send people to opposite corners of the fight ring. How do we heal the divisiveness? Don’t get furious, get curious! When I’ve known people who have opposite views of my own, such as what I consider racism, or ignorance, rather than preach at them (as if it would do a single thing to change their minds) I often say, “Help me understand.” That holy curiosity and listening makes a healing of the relationship possible, even if we remain squarely holding to different points of view. Giving up shaming for naming virtues, listening with respect, brings out the best in each other. It’s no small feat to be a peacemaker.